Life is a roller coaster

Don’t panic, this isn’t going to be a tribute to the back catalogue of Ronan Keating, more a quick life update since I’ve been quiet on the blog front again of late. All systems are go for my imminent life of living in sin; in Manchester boxes are being packed, junk is being thrown away and leaving parties are happening, and here? Well, here I’ve done a bit of measuring of rooms and looking at where I might move furniture about….and that’s about it. But I promise I’ll do my bit of carrying boxes and unpacking when the time comes in a few weeks. 

As well as the upcoming move,  the New Year has also found me back on the weight loss wagon and hopefully now only a couple more weeks away from my happy weight again. And when I get there I’ll have another attempt at maintaining that weight. I know it’s never going to be easy, and I’ve not been as successful as I would’ve hoped in the past, but every time I do it I figure it out a bit more, and get a few more tricks up my sleeve to stop the weight creeping back on. I’m hoping this time that having the boy here will help, that we’ll encourage each other to make healthy, sensible decisions about what we eat rather than encouraging each other to indulge in the things we would do better to avoid. I reckon that having to think about what someone else is eating, and perhaps being a bit more accountable for what I eat will mean I can find an equilibrium where I’m neither putting weight on, or having to lose it. I do know one thing for sure, if the weight does start coming back I’m in a place now where I’m much quicker to react. Because there is no way that I ever want to be in a position where I need to lose 3 stone again.

Along with the more sensible eating this year, I’ve also started doing some exercise again. I’ve gone back to my dance class for the first time in about 6 months, and started doing Zumba again. Last week I did an hour’s dance class followed immediately by an hour of Zumba – I did actually think I might collapse at one point, and the next day climbing the stairs was a struggle but I was so glad I did it. When you aren’t doing it regularly, it’s easy to forget how much fun exercise can be and how much better you feel for doing it. I’ve even gone as far as getting my step machine out from under the bed and I’ve been doing at least half an hour on the nights I haven’t been going out to exercise. How long it’ll last is anybody’s guess but for now I’m making the most of my renewed enthusiasm.

So as far as my personal life goes, I can’t remember a time when I was this happy before. Everything is going my way. So why is life a roller coaster? From what I’ve just said my roller coaster is only on the long climb up. But along with all the happiness, there’s a lot of stress in my life at the moment too. 

My job has been particularly difficult for the last few weeks, I’m struggling with discipline in the classroom and spending half my day shouting at kids is taking its toll. I’d love not to have to shout but sometime it seems that it’s the only thing that works. On top of spending more time in a lesson trying to get the kids to listen, pay attention and do some work than I do actually teaching, we’re heading into a busy time of year full of assessments and reports and parents evenings…..and there are times when I’m seriously questioning if I made the right decision, whether I can cope with the rest of this year let alone a whole career in teaching. Working at the bank was boring for sure, and it wasn’t really taking me anywhere but at least at least it didn’t make me cry almost every day. I mean surely no job should make you feel so bad that on the drive into work you wonder how badly you would need to crash your car so you could get a few weeks off work but not be seriously injured. That’s just not right. And yet that’s what I find myself thinking on almost every journey.

I’m really hoping things start to improve soon. Hopefully having someone to come home to every night will make things easier. And according to one of the teachers at school the kids behaviour has been so bad lately because of the full moon – surely that’s bollocks but at this point I’m willing to believe almost anything if it’ll make things easier. I also know I should ask for help, or at least speak to someone at school about how I’m feeling. My problem is that I’ve always hated admitting that I can’t do something, or that I’m not doing as well as it as I think I should be. Asking for help feels like admitting I’ve failed, but I can’t carry on like this, my emotions are all over the place and I need to try and find a balance from somewhere before I meltdown completely. 

I’m not sure that actually publishing all this in a blog is really the best idea, I’m still wary that someone from school; a pupil, a parent or a colleague might find it. A quick Google check would seem to indicate that is quite unlikely, and so,  because writing this helps, I’m going to press the Publish Post button and try and remind myself that tomorrow is another day.